Firstly, mix up the delivery address and the invoice address. This ensures your customers get a day off work as they wait in for the package that should have been delivered to the office.
Next, run a telephone help system run by machines – answering machines. Let them leave a message, and trust it gets answered. After all, machines are tireless, and less likely to forget.
Then, arrange for a representative to call the customer back the following day. If the customer doesn’t answer (for whatever reason) they obviously don’t want their package that badly. Don’t bother to call them back. Wait for them to make the next move; you’ve made your token gesture.
When the customer does eventually call back, tell them they can’t change the address on the package. If they start asking for services listed on your web site (such as the ability to specify a delivery time) tell them you don’t do it. Ignore the customers pleas that you’re offering that service, and remind them this has nothing to do with trades descriptions.
If pushed, offer to make the package available to them in your warehouse. To reduce costs, hire premises 20 miles from the nearest town, or 10 miles from the nearest bus stop, whichever is the further.
Finally, sit back and relax as your workload eases up, as the customers refuse to use you again.
The End.
Unfortunately – this really happened with City Link. I’m not the first to complain about City Link, and won’t be the last. They still have corrected their pledge.